apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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