I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
