Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Still dying that you shit outside
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
