theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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