Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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