at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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