I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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