Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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