I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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