I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
