A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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