there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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