Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
