dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
