Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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