Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
The air taste purple.
Randomize
