Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
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How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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