Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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