My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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