Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
