This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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