ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
