I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
