my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
