I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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