I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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