Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
