I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
