Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
