You can't motorboat a personality
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
