Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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