Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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