I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
