Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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