That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
