Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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