Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
