Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
