News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Randomize
