I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
