She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
