I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
