she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
