the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
