yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
