i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
