God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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