Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
