It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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