Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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