Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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