i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
