Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
