Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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