my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
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by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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