her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
