God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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