If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
