Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
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There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
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The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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